Court today....

It's been a good spell since I last posted. Hard to get "down time" on the puter. Our 2nd puter crapped out and CJ needs this for school, I do too, so it tkaes up alot of time. Thankfully my guru hubby has set up a second computer while the other one is being repaired!

CJ had court today. Yesterday the public defender and a social worker came out to our home to meet us and interview CJ. This is not normal at all. Today the lawyer told me the purpose of that meeting was to evaluate our home and our family to ascertain whether or not he is in a good environment and with folks that are capable of caring for him. Thankfully, we passed muster. This opened up a new possibility for CJ. The lawyer is thinking there are still competency issues, and of course there are. CJ is not competent and is unlikely to ever be deemed competent enough to understand the charges pending against him let alone stand trial for the charges. Normally what happens in this kind of case is that the mentally ill person is remanded to a state institution, in our area, Elgin or Rockford, until competence can be regained. In other words, they could send a boy of 18, with a mentality of 10, to a state institution for criminally insane individuals for life. He offered up a different approach today. He said that we would likely still need to pursue competency issues. CJ cannot plead the charges down because again, he does not understand what he is pleading to, so we cannot even entertain this route. The lawyer found a law somewhere in Illinois that states that the least restrictive environment must be entertained based on the ill individuals needs. He and the social worker feel that our home is this environment. It is the least restrictive and "staffed" with professional and laypeople well equipped to deal with CJ's needs. He would like to see if there is anyway we could do the competency on an outpatient basis!! It's not perfect, but with the imperfect system we have to work within, it is more perfect than I can describe. Our next court date is April 8th and we will know more from there. Both sides are still reviewing CJ's extensive medical records and it takes a good amount of time to look at over 9 years of illness/school records/evals, etc. For the immediate time, CJ stays with us for at least another month. Now I need to work on his medical card coming to our address and his social security payments coming to him. Hopefully his doc will sign off on the guardianship petitions soon, it will help him if I am able to legally advocate on his behalf instead of standing on the sidelines and screaming. Behaviorally, CJ has been doing really well. No signs or symptoms of psychosis and he seems pretty well adjusted. He has earned a couple of the school credits he needs for graduation and has a couple more to go. It looks like we can look forward to a triple graduation this year. My husband with his son graduating from college, CJ from high school, and Mick from Jr. high. We have something to look forward too!

Been gone for a bit.....

We are in a bit of competition for the computer at home. With CJ online for high school, me online for the BSN program and Mick needing it for school...I have to sneak in! The public defender had to reschedule to meet with us for the 23rd...the snow and all. In the meantime, things have been relatively calm.

Did you know that the Nintendo DS has wifi internet access? Hmm...neither did I, but CJ did. Let's just say he was accessing some inappropriate content, that would be age appropriate considering the subject matter, but not something he can handle. WAY too overstimulating. It set him on a bad roll...he began pacing, speech was pressured and you could feel the weird vibes coming off of him. We used the haldol for the first time. It knocked him out for a few hours, but when he woke, it was as if his brain reset. He woke feeling better and acting like himself. So, all hail haldol...I guess.

Gotta get back to homework while I can...keep you posted on the latest....

School's in session...

So the high school came out to install the software for CJ to finish his high school credits. They also brought the police with them for protection. I was so embarrassed. We live in a "small town" within McHenry and the cop that came with was basically our version of Barney Fife. Nice guy, but small town you know. Whatever. I got over it quickly when I watched CJ sit at the computer for over 2 hours yesterday! Not bad for ADHD. He was reading enthusiastically and taking notes....finished a few modules up. It has got to be a break for him, he was becoming pretty bored. I am thankful he has an interest in completing his high school education. That will be a monumental accomplishment for him. He has been home with us now for near a month and I am happy to report that there has been no behvioral issues to report. We have had a couple days with his anxiety peaking, the day the cop showed up with the school was one, but he handled it pretty well. No need for haldol yet...for him anyway.

I received a call from the public defender this morning. He will coming out to our house next Tuesday, my next "day off" to meet with me and CJ. He, however, will not be bringing the cops along. ;-D We discussed the competency issues and he explained that the better word to use and understand would be "fit". CJ needs to be fit to stand trial for the charges pending. We all know he isn't currently fit, meaning he does not understand what is happening or what can happen as a result of a guilty verdict. The defender said he will likely be ordered to stay at the Elgin state facility to undergo "fitness training". (Yes, Elgin is still functioning apparently although mnay of the structures have been torn down.) If he is unable to made be made fit, then a trial would be held without a jury. "and we can discuss this more when we meet next Tuesday...." So, it seems, that no matter what, CJ is going to a place that cannot help him, once again, and there appears to be nothing I can do about it. If he is ever found fit, then he will be tried and if found guilty, he will go to jail for many years due to the felonies.

That's where we stand right now...up to our necks in bullshit. My nerves are fried, my heart is aching, and I think maybe it's my turn to seek out some anti-anxiety meds. In the meantime, I am still praying and hopefully will have more options after next Tuesday. Today, it's bleak.

Doctor's appointment...square peg

Cj saw the doc today for the first time in the community. The doc is very experienced, not an intern at a treatment center, but a person who has seen alot. I am thankful for that because his knowledge and opinions, and the time he took with us to evaluate CJ and then discuss his illness, means the world to me. We have a long road ahead of us. Doc feels that CJ has been misdiagnosed for a long time. He wants to read more of his files but tentatively gave us a picture that, for the first time, seems to fit. He said to throw out the diagnosis of BiPolar Disorder. He said many kids bear this label simply for billing purposes. He explained that when CJ was younger, there was no such thing as being hospitalized for Asperger Syndrome exacerbated by ADHD...so BP was the winning diagnosis for the the insurance companies and for the doctors/hospitals to be able to bill for services. He said CJ, from his history, sounds like he was suffering from Asperger's Syndrome as a child complicated by ADHD. Asperger's is a form of autism. He said that alot of the behaviors, like hard to handle tempers, etc., is a result of these kids being a square peg trying to fit into a world of circle holes. The frustration they feel is something they do not know how to handle, and it comes out in rage. When CJ was young, Autism was just being noticed and there weren't any of the interventional programs available then that exist today. It went unrecognized for what it was, and misdiagnosed for many years. Doc feels that CJ's first psychotic break at 9 years old was not that of Bipolar Disorder, but that of early onset schizophrenia. In a nutshell, he said my boy is schizophrenic and due to the early manifestations, quite severely so. He wants to have another IQ test done to reaffirm cognitive decline, but he feels pretty comfortable with his diagnosis. So, for many years, I placed my child into hell within treatment centers that were never able to help him. They just passed him along without looking any further into diagnosis because his label had already been applied, improper or not.

My god. Shame on them and shame on me. I have done so much more harm than good. I didn't know. I just hope I can do well by him in the upcoming days. Doc would not fill out the evaluation forms for guardianship. He wants to wait until he has seen CJ a few more times and knows his files/history better. So I am praying hard that the judge will be merciful and that I can work with the public defender. If not, we will need to hire a lawyer to keep him out of a state institution. In the meantime, I am happy to have my square peg with us at home...he fits just fine here. I just don't know if I can forgive myself or the professionals that were supposed to help him for being so very wrong and causing him so very much pain.

Today I say goodbye to my child again, and hello to something that I hope we can help him with.

Doc gave me a script today for haldol.

Too many tears right now to continue typing......

Last weekend of January

Can you believe it? We are already through the month of January of a New Year. Time flies when you're having fun, right? Sooo much fun being had here. It's been almost a month now that CJ has been home with us and during the entire time we have not seen any episodes of agitation, aggression or otherwise. We have seen moments of heightened anxiety that was really, quite easily, redirected. Thankfully so! We are now set up for an appointment for the doc on Tuesday, and the high school will come out on Wednesday to set up a program on our computer so CJ can complete high school. The hitch to that deal? The high school will be sending a police officer with to protect the staff member from CJ. If you could have seen me when my husband told me this you would have been astounded by the level of sighing and eyeball rolling. Again, I am more concerned about my dog than CJ. When I explained this issue to CJ it crushed me. In his eyes was nothing but fear and anxiety. His tremors increased, his voice quivered and he asked if that meant he was going back to the jail. I had to excuse myself for a moment because I started to tear up as well. I pulled myself together and told him that no one was going to take him away on Wednesday and that they were simply doing what they felt is needed to get his programs installed. I explained to him that the person from the school does not know him and based on the charges pending, That CJ appears dangerous. To reiterate, CJ is no longer residing in atmosphere of chaos and neglect. He is in an environment of support, calm and love and his behavior is reflecting exactly that, just as I predicted.

My husband and I went out to breakfast yesterday morning, just to take some time for us. A few tables over another family was eating breakfast and sharing stories. They were talking about what products are good from Bath and Bodyworks, how little "Jane" is enjoying the cheerleading camps and how little "Joey" is starting to excel with ice skating and playing hockey. What did I do? I started balling! I reeeaaallllyy tried to fight it but the tears could not be restrained. I silently wondered what it was like to be normal. I wondered what it would be like to worry about getting the kids to practice on time and what that kind of stress felt like. I wondered if I will be able to save my son from a system that threatens to completely destroy any bit of innocence and sanity he has left by placing him in a state institution indefinitely. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to pull myself together again. Then came back out and poked at breakfast, but enjoyed watching a toddler play peek a boo with Glenn. CJ played peek a boo when he was little too. It was very sweet.

CJ made his dinner last night and well under budget too! It was yummy and he was so proud of himself. His eyes were wide and happy. He was smiling as he scooped out his bounty for all to share. He was laughing, cooking, and cleaning up the kitchen with joy. He completed a project that he had worked very hard on all week. And what did I do as I watched this sight of pure happiness, you got it, I started crying again! Better to get it out now rather than while in court. I need the "tough-mom" or as a former instructor phrased it, the "warrior-mother" game face on. I am hoping to have guardianship wrapped up before his Feb. 24th court date so I can go into the court and stand by his side as a representative to speak on his behalf, rather than
sitting in the audience obligated to remain silent while attorneys who don't know CJ determine that he should be thrown away and forgotten because of their ignorance. I am still waiting for some political figure to deal with this issue, then maybe change will be made. After the elections, I intend to be a loud voice with all of our representatives. They WILL take notice. People like my son may not be voters, but I am, and plenty of other nurses are too.

Silence has never been a strong point for me. I'm still working on that one.

Game on.

A couple of quiet days....

Everything is cool at home. CJ has been doing really well. His behavior is fine, his hygiene is good, and his motivation is positive. He has completed a meal plan and a shopping list, with pricing, to complete his project this coming Saturday. He stayed under the $25 budget and it sounds like it will be a tasty meal. He will also be cooking the entire meal as well, with my help of course, but I want him to do the majority. He is very excited about it and rightfully so, he has been working very diligently to complete this. Other positive things have happened as well. I received a call today from the supportive services chick. She has arranged a doc appointment for him on Tuesday, Feb. 2nd. She said the doc wants to do some diagnostic testing...not sure what that entails, but it's okay. I'm just happy he will have a doc and meds for now. The high school is also coming out that same afternoon to install some software on our computer to allow CJ to finish his credits out to complete high school. The thing that makes me nervous right now is that I have not heard back from the public defender yet. I know a full moon approaches so I am hoping she is simply busy. The defenders office is looking at CJ's case as a landmark case though, and they were fused on incompetency...but I can't see him sentenced to a state hospital for an unlimited amount of time. If I am against residential placement, I'm sure you can understand my stance on this type of placement as well. I am praying hard that we can somehow get him out of that possibility. For now I am researching guardianship so I have alot more leverage to help advocate for CJ's rights. It seems pretty straightforward. I need a doc to fill out paperwork stating the need, then I pay the courts to set a date for a hearing. So I will be looking at all of that now. We are still looking for a lawyer that may be able to help us navigate. If you know of one or have any suggestions, please feel free to contact me or post. Thanks all!

Mick's Birthday!

Short and sweet today folks. CJ and I have spent a nice day together planning dinner for Mick's b-day. I left messages for the public defender to call regarding the possibility of pleading the charges down...no call back. Hopefully it is due to the fact that she was in court today, or maybe off herself. Honestly, I'm thankful for the quiet today.

Happy Birthday Mick, 14 and counting!

I am a lucky Mom.

Post "grand meeting"...the tables are turning

Talk about a stressful, crazy, nutty day. At work we were surprised to find Il. State walk in for their annual review of our facility, and the feds came with them to audit the state auditing us! Since I am the wound care nurse (and recently appointed and new to the training), I was also audited on my dressing changes, documentation, etc. I felt like I was in school all over again and had to imagine that the state rep was an old instructor of mine to get through it. Funny how your old teachers still linger in the back of your brain when you are about to do something that could fail your validation of skills. All of those old voices in my head got me through today...thank you ECC nursing staff! A couple of my classmates, now RN's and working with me, felt the same way! Thankfully our staff really pulled together today and helped each other out. Thankfully the nurses I work closely with got me out of there so I could make the grandiose meeting this afternoon.

Well, I split the audience and won the majority. I came in prepared with documentation and even cited my resources on the documents I provided to make my arguments. I guess that BSN program is coming in handy with all the damn papers to write and citing sources properly to establish evidenced based research that is scholarly in nature and peer reviewed. (Ugh...which reminds me, I have homework I need to catch up on.) I came prepared with documents shooting down two of the three possible placements they wanted me to consider for CJ that demonstrated that they are also, inept at best. In reality, they are horrible places based on the reports I found. Since it is a matter of public record, I don't feel bad in saying that the two places are Streamwood Behavioral and Riversedge. Both facilities are cited for overmedicating and outright allegations of serious abuse and neglect. I shamed the attendees of the meetings for offering these two places as possible placements and suggested that they also need to do their homework before recommending placing a kid into a place where they are likely to be mistreated. Both facilities are run by a corporation called Psysolutions, Inc. where the dollars they profit from are more valuable than the lives they destroy by having inadequate staffing, staff that is unlicensed, and allowing gross abuse to occur without reporting it. I told the panel of folks that this does not give them much credibility to their recommendations and further proves my point. Even DCFS pulled their kids from both facilities, and THAT'S pretty bad. But yes, let's place my son there because you say they have improved. Uh-huh, with the latest allegations dated Dec. 9, 2009. 3 weeks rapid improvement! I don't think so. I explained the circumstances surrounding CJ's latest arrest. I described the phone call I received from his "therapist" at the "treatment center" before the attck occurred. She explained to me that he was having clear delusional thought patterns and "just wanted me to know." I asked her then to have him assessed because this is not within normal limits for him. I told her to waste no time thinking about it. She responded to me that she didn't feel that he required assessment. I argued that delusional thought patterns clearly dictate that he is out of touch with reality..aka: psychosis...and that not having him eval'd could be a bad thing. She retorted by asking me if he is ever in touch with reality. From that moment on I saw this was becoming a power struggle, turf battle of sorts between me and the therapist. WONDERFUL! I told her, well, he has a normal thinking pattern and this is really outside of it. I told her I wanted an eval...she told me she would speak to her supervisor about.(Take note...More of the talking and less of the doing happening again.) By the time she made it to her supervisor the attack had already occurred, 45 minutes later. When she called me to report it, I most definitely gave her the I told you so speech. Which rapidly deteriorated into a harsh tongue lashing when I was told he had been arrested....4 hours after the fact.

I had an unknown ally sitting at the table tonight. Another "supportive services" chic who was a therapist and had 7 years experience in residential care and was familiar with one of CJ's placement and said that the "treatment center" has alot of issues to begin with. She told the roundtable of superiors that in her experience, she could completely understand how CJ snapped in a highly stressful environment that paid no attention to his distress. She also advocated by stating that they have worked with adults far more violent than my son, and wasn't sure what all the hoopla was about. She stated that if they refused a doc, he will certainly be a danger to the community. She acknowledged that he was doing well at home as evidenced by no agitation, no hints of psychosis, increased levels of hygiene, and his own statements of feeling safe and well. She said he must not have felt safe at all in his placement. I could have kissed her.

After a few sidebar conversations they have decided to advocate for CJ to be given a doc! They came to the decision that he is doing well at home, he is placed with people who can handle his illness, and it would be in his best interest to remain at home. One battle down, a million more to go.

Now I need to get guardianship and battle the courts. The courts want to go the road of having him declared incompetent, which could be easily done because he is. The hook though, is that if he is declared incompetent the court may remand him to a state facility like Elgin until competence can be restored. Unlikely it will ever be restored, which means he could be held for years, for life, without any further discussion. This is WAY unacceptable. I will have far more leverage to fight on his behalf with guardianship in place. If OJ could get off.....then CJ can too. I may have to shell out the five grand to get him a lawyer to do it quickly. I am so ignorant about the legal system, but again, it is not designed to handle mentally ill individuals. As much as 65% of any jailed population is mentally ill. CJ will not become another statistic. Not if I have anything to say about it. Apparently, I've got alot to say.

For today, I declare a small victory and thankful for another day of peace for my boy. I just looked at my assignment for school....kinda funny....Chapter 4, Mental Status and how to assess. Hmmm, I think I got this one.

Good night all.

Today is the day of the "grand meeting"

I have decided to attend. I have been up since 4am because my nerves are rambling. Two of the three "treatment facilities" supportive services is pushing for CJ are currently under investigation for many charges of violent abuse and neglect. THIS makes me trust placement sooo much more. I have contacted a legal group this morning out of Chicago that has a history for representing cases regarding children and young adults suffering abuse and maltreatment at treatment centers. I am hoping this will be a good place to start. Being that it is only 5am now, I hope to hear back from them in the next couple of days. I will post later with results of the meeting. Wish me luck folks.

Epidemic of cruelty

http://americanradioworks.publicradio.org/features/mentally_ill/response.html

Calm before the Storm

It's coming, Always Does


And so cometh the storm with all its might to renew the dry earth and breathe life unto life. To act as savior for the parched and burnt lands. To bring light through wicked snags of electrical explosions that announce their arrival only after having you bear witness to their confusion across the sky.

And so cometh the storm with all its intensity blowing 100 year old oaks to the point of snapping. Executioner! Whipping their old gnarled knuckles until finally they sag down to the earth and kneel down in acceptance of the true keeper of lands. The keeper that can give life and take it back in one fell swoop without any acknowledgment for existence beyond its own energy and its own moment.

And so cometh the storms that rains down fury to fill the rivers and creek beds and commands them to surge forward to clear out the debris in front of them so that what lies behind them is pure once again, able to thrive once again without disruption or memory of what has been so forcefully regurgitated from the banks.

And so cometh the storm that silences all other things and replaces any sound with only its war cry. Better to take heed and be silent. Better to shelter than to be exposed. Better to live than to die before the glorious will commands it. Hush now.........rush now..........and listen to the hooves of the mighty beasts that carry the great warrior across our plains. Thundering across with no care for you or I....so comes this storm. The only thing that sounds louder is perhaps the beating of your own heart.

The ferocity is indefinable. The speed of its flight is undeniable. The destruction that lie in its path is inevitable. Better have loved yours when you had the chance friend. Better have made peace when peace was easy gettin'. Better have, better have....better have heard the sudden silence whisper...its all okay now. The storm has gone. Taken its pay in some, but left others to cherish another moment in the life that was granted.

Sometimes even the most frightening things bring gifts that we cannot see until the storm passes through.

Original work by Jennie 8/17/2009


Happy Sunday folks. I also write poetry and have been doing so since my teens. I thought this appropriate for my thoughts of today. I, again, was at work serving my community. Glenn reports that CJ has had an excellent day. He did all his chores, spent time on his meal project and then hung out with his brother for the afternoon. A calm, quiet day, just how we like them. Quiet before the storm that I am expecting tomorrow.

I think I will call the supportive services chic and request that we hold the "grand meeting" by phone. I see no reason to go in personally to listen to the same rejections regarding care for CJ. I am also hesitant to have CJ sign off on the latest release which grants access to literally everything. I don't believe that someone who is not advocating for him should have access to all these materials. Aside from that, one department of this supportive services branch already has all his records. They can certainly pull whatever information they need from that, they already have my unwaivering opinion about placing him again, or rather, warehousing him again until he explodes. Not going to do it willingly. Since they are making this so incredibly difficult for us, they can sort through the two file boxes full of his records and medical care without my input.

A philosophical thought? I am a firm believer that everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. There were so many days when I would wallow in self pity and ask the question, why me? Why my son? I had to go through the phases of accepting what he is and letting go of what I wished he could be. I had to let go of the thoughts of watching him play little league baseball and trade off for watching him run in NNSEO...a type of special olympics for lack of better descriptions. I had to let go of the thoughts about him doing well in school and going off to college and embrace the fact that if he passes high school, it will be a huge achievement. I had to let go of thinking about him falling in love and getting married, maybe starting a family of his own to the reality of him never being able to have a relationship, even a friendship, because he lacks the skills to develop one. That and hoping he never does have children and pass along the suffering to another generation. I have had to lower the bar, ALOT. I basically had to "bury" the child he was before his first psychotic break, because really, he died that day. I see glimmers of the kiddo every now and again, and that keeps me going. He was really a normal little kid with endless amounts of energy related to the ADHD, but in advanced classes, making friends and doing well. Then he was taken from us for whatever reason. I will get into more of that later. The whole time I wondered why someone has to suffer so much, and all I can do is stand by his side in support, and silently suffer for him, with him.

Maybe this is the reason. Maybe all the hardships I have had to endure with CJ and otherwise have made me strong enough to be able to take this on with only hope spurring me on. Maybe because of his suffering something positive can result. Maybe I am not anticipating a storm, perhaps I am the storm coming.

....Sometimes even the most frightening things bring gifts that we cannot see until the storm passes through.

After thinking about it....

I guess there is no reason to conceal our identities. After all, I am seeking to create a loud voice, it should also have a name, yes? My name is Jennie. My son is CJ. I will conceal the names of other parties because I am not sure of the legal ramifications of revealing identities, something tells me this is the wise choice for now. My husband is Glenn and our youngest is Mick. We are pleased to to have you visit our family and appreciate your support in fighting for CJ and other kids out there like him who have no voice.

Quiet at the homestead

I had to work today. Part of the "perks" of nursing is getting to work a fairly hectic schedule that includes every other weekend. This is mine to work. Don't get me wrong, I love being a nurse and the education provides me a solid ground to stand on when fighting the world, as it seems at times-alot of times, for the things my boy needs. So my son was home today with his step-dad. From what he reported to me, quite excitedly I might add, it has been another good day, thank god! My son said he and my hubby fixed our vacuum cleaner, cleaned the house and he led me around to display just how good of a job he did. I have to admit, they rocked it out for sure! The house looks nice!

To stave off the boredom...because my son isn't attending school right now (he's dangerous and all you know), I also gave him a project to work on. What my boy needs are life skills and to learn how to be a functional member within a household. Due to his disability, he will not be attending college and it is highly unlikely that he will be able to hold any kind of a job down. At this moment, we don't even know how long we'll be able to keep him with us due to the county and laws that do nothing to advocate for the rights of the mentally ill, but anyway, I figure while he is here we will make good use of our time. I gave him a budget of $25 and asked him to create a shopping list for whatever he likes. Items for him, for dinner, whatever. He choose to use the money to create a meal for our family of five instead of keeping all the dough for himself. I thought that was very thoughtful of him. He has been using my recipe book, The Joy of Cooking to create a mealplan and a shopping list and will be monitoring the store ads for the best prices etc...to make the best use of the $25. Now I realize this maybe something that you or I could do in our sleep. For him though, this is a real challenge. He needs to be able to create a plan, think about what is doable and not, use his money wisely, and produce an outcome. Lifeskills, here is where we begin.

I received in the mail today the release for information that the "supportive person" wanted me to have my boy sign, since he is 18 and now they suddenly cannot speak to me without his consent. Apparently she got my message and request to mail it out, but had not the decency to call me to explain her cryptic message. I guess she thinks perhaps that the anxiety left to linger over my weekend would be the best way to support our family at this point. It seems odd to me that the only party truly advocating for my boy is the public defender. Not social services, not the mental health services, but the public defender. I am thankful for that though. I can deal with the other wolves in sheep clothes as they approach.

I'm still torn about if I should attend Monday's meeting with the "supportive people and their supervisors" because I really only need one answer from them, are they going to help or hinder in regards to finding care for my son. Right now, the answer seems to hinder. It looks as though they are trying to force us into placing him residentially once again regardless of the fact that he is thriving at home and doing well. Now I am not wearing any rosy glasses here, and nor is any of our family. We all know that my son is ill and chronically so. We all know that it is not a matter of if he will need medical attention from time to time, but when. What we seem to know and no one else seems to care about is that if he is ill, and in a chaotic environment that doesn't have the time or resources to recognize it, then he will fail again. THAT is dangerous. If he becomes ill here, we know what to do. It also does not involve the criminal court systems. I only have one follower right now on this site, and thank you sweetie for following, but I realize that I initiated this late Friday. I am hoping that as we get into next week there will be more. I am hoping that the news stations I have forwarded this to will call me. If not, I will call them.

I am also looking forward to speaking to the school district next week. My boy is 4.5credits short of high school graduation. I would love him to be able to reach this milestone for the simple reason that it will boost his confidence. Give him a sense of accomplishment, etc. They have offered to set up our home computer so he can finish his credits out online over a period of time. We just need to ensure that the person coming out to set it up is safe. Honestly, I am more worried about our Boxer than my boy...but fortunately for them, we can handle both at once. My family is good at multi-tasking.

I plan to post daily, and some of it may be blissfully mundane. This is to illustrate a point though, that my boy has far more good days than bad, and taxpayers dollars could be used elsewhere instead of having him in court for BS charges.

Over the course of time I will provide the history of how we got here. It is long and not pretty at some points. However, it is our story and makes each of us who we are today. A strong, unified family that cares for one another regardless of the shortcomings. I am a very lucky woman. For now, hubby is doing breakfast for dinner and my son is at his side scrambling away. I am going to go and enjoy them both.

Why I started this blog....what's new today.

Below is an email that I sent today to a woman who was supposed to be helping our family in obtaining services for my son. My son was recently removed from a residential treatment facility by me. I chose to do this because they ignored the fact that he was psychotic. What is psychosis you say? Well, it's being out of touch with reality. It is what a mentally ill person looks like when they are "sick" and need hospitalization to re-evaluate medications and re-stabilize the brain and thought patterns occurring within it. The "treatment center" decided my son was just being weird/difficult, and that he didn't require any intervention. An hour later he attacked a staff member at the school located on the campus of the treatment center. Thank goodness no one was seriously injured. Instead of sending him to a hospital, they chose to have him arrested and placed in general population because he is 18 years old. Maybe the staff forgot they were working in a facility that supposedly treats mentally ill youth. Perhaps they forgot their training. Perhaps they hadn't any training at all and couldn't see the red flags. Perhaps they could just care less because he filled a bed and they could charge for him. Not sure myself. My son has the maturity level of a 9, maybe 10 year old, and his comprehension levels maybe even less than that. He spent 30+ hours in jail, and unmedicated. When I was finally able to bond him out he was suffering from withdrawal symptoms from his medications being with-held and was physically ill. When I tried to explain to the prison guard the need to get him to medical services, he sneered at me and said to have a seat, he may be released in maybe 6-8 hours. Deaf ears. Now I have him home with us. Why should I send him to "treatment" that clearly cannot provide "treatment". My son is not a criminal. He is mentally ill. It is a disease of the brain that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. He doesn't conjur things up...he lives in hell. He also has some physical problems. He is incontinent and while in "treatment" is made fun of everyday by fellow residents and staff alike. Everyone has a breaking point, mental illness aside. How long should we be treated as an animal before we begin to respond as one. Now he needs services and is being denied because he is seen as "too dangerous". If he were a crack addict, he could find services outpatient. If he were a drunk driver that killed a family, he could find services. If he had a brain tumor that was cancerous and causing erratic behavior, he would have the sympathy of the world and would find services. If you are mentally ill and 18, you're screwed. There is something wrong with this picture. Names have been omitted from the story below for obvious reasons, I wouldn't want to violate the confidentiality of the "supportive" personnel. If you can help in any way with locating a doc or a lawyer to help us, my thanks to you would be unending.



Hi "supportive services person". I just received a call from "my son's public defender" this morning regarding a message left for her by "another supportive services person". I also received a somewhat cryptic message from that same person yesterday. Although I did return her call, it was around 5pm, within 3 hours of her message being left, and I apparently missed her. Basically, from what "my son's public defender" told me, you all feel that my son is "too dangerous" to reside within my home in the community because of events that occurred within treatment facilities. My question, and hers as well, is this..... Shall we return him to yet another treatment facility where he will be abused by other residents everyday, and neglected by staff due to staff shortages, lack of training, etc, etc....or maybe we should return him to jail, where I am sure he will receive stellar services to handle his illness. Everyone has a breaking point, mental illness aside, and when treated like a product where worth is only equal to the dollar value of housing and billable treatment hours instead of being treated compassionately as a human being, we all have the capacity to reach a breaking point.

"Supportive services chick" alluded to the fact that now even setting him up with a doc to maintain his medications may be in jeopardy because my son is "too dangerous". I would like to point out that we would be setting him up to fail, once again, by with holding treatment he SO NEEDS. Why is this so difficult to get him to the services he needs and furthermore, why are people who are supposed to be "supportive" making this process as difficult as possible? I already agreed to provide transport to and from offices, etc. As if it makes a difference where he is seen in regards to the safety of the community and staff, really? Regardless, I am willing to meet your terms but the terms are becoming quite impossible and ultimately lead to a neglect in caring for my son. Again, I find myself in a position needing to draw a line. If this is what all the directors of...and supervisors of...are gathering to tell me on Monday, please save the gas and time and I will do the same. I am interested in getting my son situated and this includes obtaining MEDICALLY NECESSARY services. If you all feel that cannot be done, then I guess I will wait until his meds run out and bring him to a hospital where he will be given a doc and they can handle it. It seems to me that this is being treated so backwards and has many weird, political/CYA (cover your asses) vibes about it. Does anyone remember that we are dealing with a mentally ill boy, not a case study to be discussed to death.

ANYONE can be seen as a danger to their community. Some one who drinks too much one night, some kid who is under the influence driving around, someone who has been jailed previously and has a rap sheet from 30 years ago, a drug addict in outpatient treatment, etc. The environment also needs to be taken into account. My son is residing within an environment that is peaceful, loving and non-abusive. My son is now living with people who actually care about him and his well-being, as well as the well-being of others-this includes our community. My son has an RN for a mother that not only deals with mental illness in her line of work, but has dealt with his illness for 18 years and knows it intimately. Do you really think I would take him out into the community when he wasn't doing well? After all of our very personal conversations do you really think I am that ignorant? My son has no history of being a run-away. I wouldn't expect it to start now. But it could happen, right? You all can sit around and "what if this" and "this could happen" to death, really, but no one seems to be looking at the PRESENT situation. My son is at home and thriving. The pictures he draws are no longer sad and dismal with words like "evil and hurt" within the drawing, instead the words written within the pictures now are of "family, love and hope". No wonder why so many people with mental illness end up on the street, unmedicated and uncared for. There is far too much time and effort spent on talking about it instead of doing something about it. Far too many obstacles to obtaining PROPER care due to protocol. Far too many human souls, children and adults alike, warehoused in so called "treatment facilities" that are understaffed, underfunded and certainly not worthy of being called a treatment facility. Maltreatment perhaps.

My son is lucky in that he actually has a family that is ready and capable of caring for him at this point and that he is not a DCFS kid lost in a miserable system of red tape and BS. He has the added benefit of having a Mom who will advocate for him and knows these waters, but I have to say, the waters that I once thought were calm are starting to show signs of storm brewing and I am treading very lightly. Since you, or the other supportive services person, or whoever -fill in the title here- is going to attend, cannot speak to me on Monday concerning my sons history because he is 18, and you need his consent, then we will need to reschedule. Odd, I signed how many consents for him when we first met with the other supportive services person last week, but okay, we'll play by the rules of the day. I would like to obtain guardianship to alleviate the "paper and privacy" issues, but that requires a doctor to interview him and deem it necessary in writing for the courts to grant me this...but he can't see a doctor because he is "too dangerous". GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE. I don't enjoy chasing my tail over something that is so important. I am sure you all have other cases of where parents have no time for their kids and wonder why they are acting out to contend with and could focus your time there. So, honesty and a straight answer would be nice. If you cannot help us, then please say so. That's all I ask.


This person did call me personally and I have to say she is a pretty stand up woman. Her brother also suffers from mental illness so she understands more than most. Sadly, she also agrees with me but can do nothing to assist me because of protocol.

We take it day by day. Today, thank god, was a good day. We went grocery shopping while my Mother underwent some medical testing and I am happy to report that my son did not attack anyone. He did not run through the aisles stark raving mad. We simply picked out some good apples and decided what to make for dinner. Today was a good day.