Last weekend of January

Can you believe it? We are already through the month of January of a New Year. Time flies when you're having fun, right? Sooo much fun being had here. It's been almost a month now that CJ has been home with us and during the entire time we have not seen any episodes of agitation, aggression or otherwise. We have seen moments of heightened anxiety that was really, quite easily, redirected. Thankfully so! We are now set up for an appointment for the doc on Tuesday, and the high school will come out on Wednesday to set up a program on our computer so CJ can complete high school. The hitch to that deal? The high school will be sending a police officer with to protect the staff member from CJ. If you could have seen me when my husband told me this you would have been astounded by the level of sighing and eyeball rolling. Again, I am more concerned about my dog than CJ. When I explained this issue to CJ it crushed me. In his eyes was nothing but fear and anxiety. His tremors increased, his voice quivered and he asked if that meant he was going back to the jail. I had to excuse myself for a moment because I started to tear up as well. I pulled myself together and told him that no one was going to take him away on Wednesday and that they were simply doing what they felt is needed to get his programs installed. I explained to him that the person from the school does not know him and based on the charges pending, That CJ appears dangerous. To reiterate, CJ is no longer residing in atmosphere of chaos and neglect. He is in an environment of support, calm and love and his behavior is reflecting exactly that, just as I predicted.

My husband and I went out to breakfast yesterday morning, just to take some time for us. A few tables over another family was eating breakfast and sharing stories. They were talking about what products are good from Bath and Bodyworks, how little "Jane" is enjoying the cheerleading camps and how little "Joey" is starting to excel with ice skating and playing hockey. What did I do? I started balling! I reeeaaallllyy tried to fight it but the tears could not be restrained. I silently wondered what it was like to be normal. I wondered what it would be like to worry about getting the kids to practice on time and what that kind of stress felt like. I wondered if I will be able to save my son from a system that threatens to completely destroy any bit of innocence and sanity he has left by placing him in a state institution indefinitely. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to pull myself together again. Then came back out and poked at breakfast, but enjoyed watching a toddler play peek a boo with Glenn. CJ played peek a boo when he was little too. It was very sweet.

CJ made his dinner last night and well under budget too! It was yummy and he was so proud of himself. His eyes were wide and happy. He was smiling as he scooped out his bounty for all to share. He was laughing, cooking, and cleaning up the kitchen with joy. He completed a project that he had worked very hard on all week. And what did I do as I watched this sight of pure happiness, you got it, I started crying again! Better to get it out now rather than while in court. I need the "tough-mom" or as a former instructor phrased it, the "warrior-mother" game face on. I am hoping to have guardianship wrapped up before his Feb. 24th court date so I can go into the court and stand by his side as a representative to speak on his behalf, rather than
sitting in the audience obligated to remain silent while attorneys who don't know CJ determine that he should be thrown away and forgotten because of their ignorance. I am still waiting for some political figure to deal with this issue, then maybe change will be made. After the elections, I intend to be a loud voice with all of our representatives. They WILL take notice. People like my son may not be voters, but I am, and plenty of other nurses are too.

Silence has never been a strong point for me. I'm still working on that one.

Game on.