Court today....

It's been a good spell since I last posted. Hard to get "down time" on the puter. Our 2nd puter crapped out and CJ needs this for school, I do too, so it tkaes up alot of time. Thankfully my guru hubby has set up a second computer while the other one is being repaired!

CJ had court today. Yesterday the public defender and a social worker came out to our home to meet us and interview CJ. This is not normal at all. Today the lawyer told me the purpose of that meeting was to evaluate our home and our family to ascertain whether or not he is in a good environment and with folks that are capable of caring for him. Thankfully, we passed muster. This opened up a new possibility for CJ. The lawyer is thinking there are still competency issues, and of course there are. CJ is not competent and is unlikely to ever be deemed competent enough to understand the charges pending against him let alone stand trial for the charges. Normally what happens in this kind of case is that the mentally ill person is remanded to a state institution, in our area, Elgin or Rockford, until competence can be regained. In other words, they could send a boy of 18, with a mentality of 10, to a state institution for criminally insane individuals for life. He offered up a different approach today. He said that we would likely still need to pursue competency issues. CJ cannot plead the charges down because again, he does not understand what he is pleading to, so we cannot even entertain this route. The lawyer found a law somewhere in Illinois that states that the least restrictive environment must be entertained based on the ill individuals needs. He and the social worker feel that our home is this environment. It is the least restrictive and "staffed" with professional and laypeople well equipped to deal with CJ's needs. He would like to see if there is anyway we could do the competency on an outpatient basis!! It's not perfect, but with the imperfect system we have to work within, it is more perfect than I can describe. Our next court date is April 8th and we will know more from there. Both sides are still reviewing CJ's extensive medical records and it takes a good amount of time to look at over 9 years of illness/school records/evals, etc. For the immediate time, CJ stays with us for at least another month. Now I need to work on his medical card coming to our address and his social security payments coming to him. Hopefully his doc will sign off on the guardianship petitions soon, it will help him if I am able to legally advocate on his behalf instead of standing on the sidelines and screaming. Behaviorally, CJ has been doing really well. No signs or symptoms of psychosis and he seems pretty well adjusted. He has earned a couple of the school credits he needs for graduation and has a couple more to go. It looks like we can look forward to a triple graduation this year. My husband with his son graduating from college, CJ from high school, and Mick from Jr. high. We have something to look forward too!

Been gone for a bit.....

We are in a bit of competition for the computer at home. With CJ online for high school, me online for the BSN program and Mick needing it for school...I have to sneak in! The public defender had to reschedule to meet with us for the 23rd...the snow and all. In the meantime, things have been relatively calm.

Did you know that the Nintendo DS has wifi internet access? Hmm...neither did I, but CJ did. Let's just say he was accessing some inappropriate content, that would be age appropriate considering the subject matter, but not something he can handle. WAY too overstimulating. It set him on a bad roll...he began pacing, speech was pressured and you could feel the weird vibes coming off of him. We used the haldol for the first time. It knocked him out for a few hours, but when he woke, it was as if his brain reset. He woke feeling better and acting like himself. So, all hail haldol...I guess.

Gotta get back to homework while I can...keep you posted on the latest....

School's in session...

So the high school came out to install the software for CJ to finish his high school credits. They also brought the police with them for protection. I was so embarrassed. We live in a "small town" within McHenry and the cop that came with was basically our version of Barney Fife. Nice guy, but small town you know. Whatever. I got over it quickly when I watched CJ sit at the computer for over 2 hours yesterday! Not bad for ADHD. He was reading enthusiastically and taking notes....finished a few modules up. It has got to be a break for him, he was becoming pretty bored. I am thankful he has an interest in completing his high school education. That will be a monumental accomplishment for him. He has been home with us now for near a month and I am happy to report that there has been no behvioral issues to report. We have had a couple days with his anxiety peaking, the day the cop showed up with the school was one, but he handled it pretty well. No need for haldol yet...for him anyway.

I received a call from the public defender this morning. He will coming out to our house next Tuesday, my next "day off" to meet with me and CJ. He, however, will not be bringing the cops along. ;-D We discussed the competency issues and he explained that the better word to use and understand would be "fit". CJ needs to be fit to stand trial for the charges pending. We all know he isn't currently fit, meaning he does not understand what is happening or what can happen as a result of a guilty verdict. The defender said he will likely be ordered to stay at the Elgin state facility to undergo "fitness training". (Yes, Elgin is still functioning apparently although mnay of the structures have been torn down.) If he is unable to made be made fit, then a trial would be held without a jury. "and we can discuss this more when we meet next Tuesday...." So, it seems, that no matter what, CJ is going to a place that cannot help him, once again, and there appears to be nothing I can do about it. If he is ever found fit, then he will be tried and if found guilty, he will go to jail for many years due to the felonies.

That's where we stand right now...up to our necks in bullshit. My nerves are fried, my heart is aching, and I think maybe it's my turn to seek out some anti-anxiety meds. In the meantime, I am still praying and hopefully will have more options after next Tuesday. Today, it's bleak.

Doctor's appointment...square peg

Cj saw the doc today for the first time in the community. The doc is very experienced, not an intern at a treatment center, but a person who has seen alot. I am thankful for that because his knowledge and opinions, and the time he took with us to evaluate CJ and then discuss his illness, means the world to me. We have a long road ahead of us. Doc feels that CJ has been misdiagnosed for a long time. He wants to read more of his files but tentatively gave us a picture that, for the first time, seems to fit. He said to throw out the diagnosis of BiPolar Disorder. He said many kids bear this label simply for billing purposes. He explained that when CJ was younger, there was no such thing as being hospitalized for Asperger Syndrome exacerbated by ADHD...so BP was the winning diagnosis for the the insurance companies and for the doctors/hospitals to be able to bill for services. He said CJ, from his history, sounds like he was suffering from Asperger's Syndrome as a child complicated by ADHD. Asperger's is a form of autism. He said that alot of the behaviors, like hard to handle tempers, etc., is a result of these kids being a square peg trying to fit into a world of circle holes. The frustration they feel is something they do not know how to handle, and it comes out in rage. When CJ was young, Autism was just being noticed and there weren't any of the interventional programs available then that exist today. It went unrecognized for what it was, and misdiagnosed for many years. Doc feels that CJ's first psychotic break at 9 years old was not that of Bipolar Disorder, but that of early onset schizophrenia. In a nutshell, he said my boy is schizophrenic and due to the early manifestations, quite severely so. He wants to have another IQ test done to reaffirm cognitive decline, but he feels pretty comfortable with his diagnosis. So, for many years, I placed my child into hell within treatment centers that were never able to help him. They just passed him along without looking any further into diagnosis because his label had already been applied, improper or not.

My god. Shame on them and shame on me. I have done so much more harm than good. I didn't know. I just hope I can do well by him in the upcoming days. Doc would not fill out the evaluation forms for guardianship. He wants to wait until he has seen CJ a few more times and knows his files/history better. So I am praying hard that the judge will be merciful and that I can work with the public defender. If not, we will need to hire a lawyer to keep him out of a state institution. In the meantime, I am happy to have my square peg with us at home...he fits just fine here. I just don't know if I can forgive myself or the professionals that were supposed to help him for being so very wrong and causing him so very much pain.

Today I say goodbye to my child again, and hello to something that I hope we can help him with.

Doc gave me a script today for haldol.

Too many tears right now to continue typing......

Last weekend of January

Can you believe it? We are already through the month of January of a New Year. Time flies when you're having fun, right? Sooo much fun being had here. It's been almost a month now that CJ has been home with us and during the entire time we have not seen any episodes of agitation, aggression or otherwise. We have seen moments of heightened anxiety that was really, quite easily, redirected. Thankfully so! We are now set up for an appointment for the doc on Tuesday, and the high school will come out on Wednesday to set up a program on our computer so CJ can complete high school. The hitch to that deal? The high school will be sending a police officer with to protect the staff member from CJ. If you could have seen me when my husband told me this you would have been astounded by the level of sighing and eyeball rolling. Again, I am more concerned about my dog than CJ. When I explained this issue to CJ it crushed me. In his eyes was nothing but fear and anxiety. His tremors increased, his voice quivered and he asked if that meant he was going back to the jail. I had to excuse myself for a moment because I started to tear up as well. I pulled myself together and told him that no one was going to take him away on Wednesday and that they were simply doing what they felt is needed to get his programs installed. I explained to him that the person from the school does not know him and based on the charges pending, That CJ appears dangerous. To reiterate, CJ is no longer residing in atmosphere of chaos and neglect. He is in an environment of support, calm and love and his behavior is reflecting exactly that, just as I predicted.

My husband and I went out to breakfast yesterday morning, just to take some time for us. A few tables over another family was eating breakfast and sharing stories. They were talking about what products are good from Bath and Bodyworks, how little "Jane" is enjoying the cheerleading camps and how little "Joey" is starting to excel with ice skating and playing hockey. What did I do? I started balling! I reeeaaallllyy tried to fight it but the tears could not be restrained. I silently wondered what it was like to be normal. I wondered what it would be like to worry about getting the kids to practice on time and what that kind of stress felt like. I wondered if I will be able to save my son from a system that threatens to completely destroy any bit of innocence and sanity he has left by placing him in a state institution indefinitely. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to pull myself together again. Then came back out and poked at breakfast, but enjoyed watching a toddler play peek a boo with Glenn. CJ played peek a boo when he was little too. It was very sweet.

CJ made his dinner last night and well under budget too! It was yummy and he was so proud of himself. His eyes were wide and happy. He was smiling as he scooped out his bounty for all to share. He was laughing, cooking, and cleaning up the kitchen with joy. He completed a project that he had worked very hard on all week. And what did I do as I watched this sight of pure happiness, you got it, I started crying again! Better to get it out now rather than while in court. I need the "tough-mom" or as a former instructor phrased it, the "warrior-mother" game face on. I am hoping to have guardianship wrapped up before his Feb. 24th court date so I can go into the court and stand by his side as a representative to speak on his behalf, rather than
sitting in the audience obligated to remain silent while attorneys who don't know CJ determine that he should be thrown away and forgotten because of their ignorance. I am still waiting for some political figure to deal with this issue, then maybe change will be made. After the elections, I intend to be a loud voice with all of our representatives. They WILL take notice. People like my son may not be voters, but I am, and plenty of other nurses are too.

Silence has never been a strong point for me. I'm still working on that one.

Game on.

A couple of quiet days....

Everything is cool at home. CJ has been doing really well. His behavior is fine, his hygiene is good, and his motivation is positive. He has completed a meal plan and a shopping list, with pricing, to complete his project this coming Saturday. He stayed under the $25 budget and it sounds like it will be a tasty meal. He will also be cooking the entire meal as well, with my help of course, but I want him to do the majority. He is very excited about it and rightfully so, he has been working very diligently to complete this. Other positive things have happened as well. I received a call today from the supportive services chick. She has arranged a doc appointment for him on Tuesday, Feb. 2nd. She said the doc wants to do some diagnostic testing...not sure what that entails, but it's okay. I'm just happy he will have a doc and meds for now. The high school is also coming out that same afternoon to install some software on our computer to allow CJ to finish his credits out to complete high school. The thing that makes me nervous right now is that I have not heard back from the public defender yet. I know a full moon approaches so I am hoping she is simply busy. The defenders office is looking at CJ's case as a landmark case though, and they were fused on incompetency...but I can't see him sentenced to a state hospital for an unlimited amount of time. If I am against residential placement, I'm sure you can understand my stance on this type of placement as well. I am praying hard that we can somehow get him out of that possibility. For now I am researching guardianship so I have alot more leverage to help advocate for CJ's rights. It seems pretty straightforward. I need a doc to fill out paperwork stating the need, then I pay the courts to set a date for a hearing. So I will be looking at all of that now. We are still looking for a lawyer that may be able to help us navigate. If you know of one or have any suggestions, please feel free to contact me or post. Thanks all!

Mick's Birthday!

Short and sweet today folks. CJ and I have spent a nice day together planning dinner for Mick's b-day. I left messages for the public defender to call regarding the possibility of pleading the charges down...no call back. Hopefully it is due to the fact that she was in court today, or maybe off herself. Honestly, I'm thankful for the quiet today.

Happy Birthday Mick, 14 and counting!

I am a lucky Mom.